If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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