I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
