Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
