you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
