wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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