So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
