Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
