Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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