so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
