I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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