I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
