I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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