Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
