Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
