Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere