It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
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I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.