i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
