Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
