Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
