a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
