just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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