Umm I'm too high to move.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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