Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
