I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
