Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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