1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
