will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
