I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
