I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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