i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
