You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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