Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
