if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
