Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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