Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
