Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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