FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
