when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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