He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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