Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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