It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
