Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I need a beard to bite.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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