I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
