he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
