And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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