i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
