Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
