Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
