Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
