I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
