just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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