All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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