Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
