Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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