Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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