i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize