New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
