Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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