If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
