She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
