girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
